The amusement may all be mine, but after doing a MadLib and filling in the blanks with the stupidest options I could find to create my own terrible paranormal romance, here’s what I came up with. Uh, enjoy? (It made me laugh, anyway…) The adventures of Kerashua and Anique. Most of this isn’t mine!
Terrible Teen Paranormal Romance Story
Kerashua knew Anique was different from the other boys at school.
She noticed it the very first time she laid eyes on him – there was something about the way he creepily coughed his leg when he laughed. Also, he seemed to have an unusual knowledge about hagiography. And just last Tuesday after Geology, she saw him finds every single truffle in Monte La Verdi.
There was something else she knew: she was in love with him. But she didn’t know how to win his affections, for he was always cold and distant.
One night, Kerashua was reading a book about paranormal creatures when she realized the truth: Anique was a Vampire!
The next day after class, Kerashua saw Anique head off into a park. ”It’s now or never,” she told herself with resignation, and slid after him.
When she caught up to him, he was standing behind a bookcase.
”Anique, it’s me, Kerashua. I… I have to tell you something… I love you!”
He sighed deeply and shuffled toward her. ”Oh, Kerashua, there are things you don’t understand about me.”
”I know more than you think,” she breathed. ”I know that you’re a Vampire.”
”It’s more complicated than that,” he said, staring into her creepy eyes. ”Love between your kind and mine is forbidden. They would destroy us both if they knew.”
”I don’t care,” Kerashua said. ”I could never live without you.”
”Truly,” she answered.
He reached up and gently caressed her arm in his weird hands. ”I love you, too,” he whispered.
And then he kissed her. His kisses were like socks-scented small fluffy bunnies upon her lips.
The days and weeks that followed were fortuitous. They achieved world domination, carved ice cubes into tiny little pieces, and ordered all her socks by date updated. It seemed that nothing could come between them.
One night while snogging, a ka-flam was heard from outside the torture chamber window. ”They’ve found us,” Anique whispered solemnly.
Kerashua sighed. ”At least we’ve had this short time together.”
”I won’t let them take you from me,” he promised.
As soon as he spoke, the enemy’s leader burst through the door. ”Stand aside!” the leader ordered Anique.
”Never! She is my true love, and you will not take her from me!” Anique stood defiantly between Kerashua and the leader.
”Then you will both die!”
The leader lunged forward, but Anique stood his ground. With a “ay!, he met the leader head-on. In a swift move, Anique ripped off the leader’s eyes and kicked him in the tonsil. Mortally wounded, the leader gasped and died.
Seeing their mighty leader fall to Anique’s strength, his underlings panicked and ran away, disappearing into the night.
”That was amazing,” Kerashua breathed.
Anique leaned down and gently brushed his lips against hers, his socks-scented breath caressing her cheek. ”Your love for me gave me the strength I needed. Now, everything is perfect.”
”Everything would be perfect if you made me like you. I know you can do it.”
”Are you sure? If I did this, you’d never be able to plait her nostrils again.”
”I’m sure,” she breathed.
Anique wiped Kerashua’s you-know-what, allowing his very essence to flow into her body. She sighed, then “oy!”.
Soon, the transformation was complete. Kerashua was now a tall Vampire, just like Anique. Everything truly was perfect.